Blinking lights
by kakashi the scarecrow
Summary: A young ANBU Kakashi copes the only way he can. Minato doesn't know how to help. Warning: major angst, self harm, all that jazz.


**Blinking lights on the airplane wings  
Up above the trees  
Blinking down a morse code signal  
Especially for me 3 **

**Blinking lights (for me) by the Eels. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the show would be called 'Kakashi' instead. Enough said. **

**Warning: graphic stuff, dark, angst, self harm and all that jazz. **

"_I…want to give you a gift, Kakashi, for finally making jounin"_

"_Obito…"_

"_Take my sharingan, Kakashi, so we can see the future together."_

As Kakashi readied a chidori in one hand and gripped a kunai tightly in the other, he wondered how it had come to this. 'Is this the future you wanted to see, Obito?' he thought derisively to himself as he pushed his lightning-coated hand through a rock nin's gut and tried not to think about the lukewarm red liquid that ran down his arms. 'You wanted to give me your sharingan, so you could see this?'

As the chidori died down, the Wolf ANBU found himself alone in a red wasteland of gore and destruction. Bodies lay everywhere, speared through and some still with sticky, crimson blood and organs seeping out of them to stain the grass. Every other ANBU on his team was dead. It had been a hard, drawn out battle and again Kakashi was the only survivor, because another fool had deemed his life worthy enough to save.

He scoffed. If he were dead and Obito had survived instead, this battle should have turned out differently.

His feet knew their way back to Konoha. It was second nature. Konoha meant safety and home and he lived to protect the village, even if it was only because Obito and so many others he had lost had done so with all their heart. And it meant he could see sensei and Rin again, his two precious people left. He needed them. He always needed them, but they were never enough to curb the pain.

Kakashi reported to the Hokage tower first, before heading straight home despite his many injuries. He hated hospitals. He took a hot shower, causing his bruises to sting, and then simply stared at himself in the mirror. Obito's sharingan stared back silently and cried for the young ANBU who couldn't. Kakashi felt numb. He had killed too many people that in the process he had done the same to his heart. ANBU did not need hearts. They were barely even human anymore; they were killing machines, tools, that lived to serve their village.

He couldn't take it anymore. He threw his fast at the glassy surface and the mirror shattered into a thousand silver shards at his feet. He dropped to the floor, ignoring the slight pain of the glass digging into his knees and shook. He didn't cry, he _couldn't_ cry, but the suppressed emotions caused him to shudder in pain and gasp shakily. In an almost trance like state he grabbed a shard of glass and, before he could think, roughly scraped it across his bare arm. Small beads of blood leaked out, creating a crimson cobweb. Kakashi stared at it for a moment, transfixed. He still felt numb, but suddenly the emotions were gone. He felt oddly calm. This blood was his own, for once. Unlike the blood of others which he had spilled, this blood was clean; beautiful.

It was exactly what he needed.

He made five more cuts before finally collapsing to the floor of the bathroom and passing out from exhaustion. This was ANBU wolf. This was Kakashi. Even passed out, Obito's eye continued to leak silent tears.

*****

Minato came the next morning. When Kakashi didn't answer the door, he snuck in through the window and slammed down the bathroom door, worried about his student. Kakashi had not been getting better since Obito's death.

What he found caused his eyes to widen in horror. Kakashi lying among pools of blood and a broken mirror.

When Kakashi woke up later on in his own bed (Minato knew it would not be wise to take Kakashi to the hospital as the boy would rebel) cleaned and bandaged, Minato could only stare in concern and pity.

"It was an accident," the teenager said emotionlessly to break the silence, looking away. "I slipped, crashed into the mirror and hit my head hard." It was hardly believable considering he was a genius ninja.

"And your arm, then?" Minato tried to sound casual, but he was scared for his student.

"Mission," was the only reply he got. Kakashi still wouldn't look at him.

"How did it go, by the way?"

This got a reaction. Kakashi's face contorted in pain. "Mission was…successful," he forced out through gritted teeth. "Owl, Rat, Boar and Bird were killed. I took care of the bodies."

Minato's heart clenched and he had to force back tears. This wasn't right. It wasn't fair. "I'm sorry, 'Kashi," the yellow flash forced a smile for his student's sake and patted his shoulder. He paused. "Please quit ANBU. Rin and I are worried about you. I don't know how much longer you can keep this up."

Kakashi shook his head. "I can't quit. I'm a ninja. If I have to die for this village, then so be it."

"What if you crack first?"

The grey-haired teenager's expression was hard, stony; cold. "I won't crack, sensei. I'm fine. I have to do this, for me _and_ Obito."

And Minato knew that arguing was pointless. "Okay then, but be careful," he relented with a sigh.

As his sensei left, unsuccessful with fake smile still in place, Kakashi stared up at his blank ceiling and a single tear escaped a lonely grey eye.

'_I guess your sacrifice really was in vain, ne, Obito?' _

**Depressing, ne? Well, it is my speciality. Kakashi + angst = love. **

**So far, this is just a one shot. But if enough people want me to continue it, then I will. I will even consider making it a Kakashi/Rin fanfic, if anyone wants. Just say so in a review. **

**As for the whole self harming business, yes I have done it, before anyone asks. This time last year I was pretty bad and doing it quite often, and even now I'm still not sure if I have a problem or not. I'm not saying I got over it completely, but I just do it…less now. So yeah, bit of a touchy subject, but I did enjoy writing this one. **

**Reviews appreciated, lovely readers 3**


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